Apple’s next product will garner extravagant baseless claims in headlines!

UPDATE: Direct from Apple: “iPad Available in US on April 3
Pre-Order on March 12”

I‘m just imagining what all the headlines we see daily on Techmeme would say if they were forced to speak the truth. Let’s look at Techmeme iPad-related stories for the past several weeks:

  • Books in the Age of the iPad would become: Baseless Prediction about an Apple Product that I haven’t used yet as the destroyer of print. Subtitle: “Also, I design books, normally don’t blog about gadgets, but decided I’d like some pageviews for a change.”
  • Apple Stores will get iPads on March 10th, customers on the 26th? would become: Pageviews are down after our last baseless Apple rumor proved false: let’s make a prediction about iPad availability and end it in a question mark so no one can fault us for talking out of our ass later! UPDATE: This one has just been proven wrong by Apple PR blast and new post on CrunchGear that is currently moving up the charts on Techmeme.
  • First Look: How Penguin Will Reinvent Books With iPad would become: Remember multimedia book CDs from the 90s? And how they totally flopped because they weren’t just basic text, pictures, and paper? Neither do we. This Penguin “book” demo on the iPad looks neat & has “video” of the iPad. Let’s all reblog it so we’ll get tons of pageviews!
  • Production Delays Mean iPad Inventories May Be Tight at Launch becomes: Let’s predict that the iPad might not arrive on time to drive up interest in it (because you know Walt & Steve are tight) and pageviews too and we’ll say “may” so we have plausible deniability if we end up being proven wrong. Also, the chances of this prediction being wrong are close to nil since nearly EVERY APPLE PRODUCT has had tight inventories at launch.
  • Then of course in reply to the All Things D post: Taiwan-based component makers doubt iPad production delay rumors becomes: Let’s contradict the All Things D iPad prediction for pageviews and hide behind Taiwan-based component makers as our “source”.
  • Apple’s iPad expected to be part of 10.5M tablets shipped in 2010 becomes: We have this boring statistics-based post about tablets to write… Let’s mention the iPad in the title and heavily throughout to increase pageviews.
  • Y Combinator To Startups: “We think the iPad is meant to be a Windows killer” becomes: I’m MG Siegler. No matter what title I use it will end up on Techmeme because Gabe likes my writing. However, I’m the largest Apple fanboy writing at TechCrunch, so I’m going to spice up this story about Y Combinator with some iPad goodness!*. And then by extension, Y Combinator’s statement “We think the iPad is meant to be a Windows killer” becomes “I KNOW that if we say that the iPad is meant to be a Windows killer, MG Siegler will post about it on TechCrunch and it will make it onto Techmeme!”
  • Condé Nast Is Preparing iPad Versions of Some of Its Top Magazines becomes: Condé Nast is still trying to avoid dying with all the other magazines by tying their PR initiatives as closely as they can with the buzz surrounding the iPad. Aside: see this post for historical context.
  • 15 iPad mysteries remain becomes: Lists = pageviews. The iPad = pageviews. The word mysteries is mysterious and = pageviews. I made all this shit up.
  • The A4 and the A8: secrets of the iPad’s brain becomes: I’ll talk lots of technical specifics about a device I’ve never used and you’ll believe me because I reference a source that I cannot name and because it’s really really technical. Also, it’s about the iPad and not just another reblog b.s. post (I have an acual unnamed source!), so it’ll get me LOTS of pageviews.
  • Apple Stacks The Deck Against Amazon’s Kindle App becomes Let’s make up something that isn’t really true about the Kindle app to create a false fight between Steve Jobs and Bezos! (note: I really think this one was entirely ridiculous given that there is a *real* competition between Amazon and Apple that would have been a better story).

My point is: could everyone please just STFU about the iPad until there’s actually something worthwhile to report about it? #kthnxbai

*No offense, MG and Gabe! I couldn’t resist! ;-)

About C.K. Sample III

I am a father, a husband, a blogger, a parrot owner, a pug owner, and the Chief Product Officer for YouEarnedIt. This site has no comments. If you want to talk to me, send me an @cksample on Twitter. If you like this post, feel free to buy me something off of my wishlist.
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One Response to Apple’s next product will garner extravagant baseless claims in headlines!

  1. Nicole Gustas says:

    This post made me laugh and laugh. It’s funny ’cause it’s true! Kudos!

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