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If you must see Spider-man 3, wait for the DVD…

We went to see Spider-man 3 last night. This was worse than X-Men 3, it was a horrible horrible waste of 2 and a half hours of our lives, and I did something I never do: I walked out of this film before the very very end. I’ll tell you exactly why, but be forewarned: spoilers follow.

Oh, Sam Raimi. Why did you have to cram too many of your amusing little cut scenes in with the silly witty banter? Why did you have to make several scenes that were borderline musical numbers? Why? Why did you have to make this much more a prolonged episode of Friends, telling the twisted love story of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, than the wonderfully awesome action movie we were all expecting? Wasn’t the scene with Bruce Campbell as a French maitre-de exactly the perfect amount of silliness? Did you and the entire cast have a spat with the movie execs and decide to make this a horribly paced film as deliberate sabotage? Why in the name of all that is holy would you make Hobgoblin and Spider-man allies at the end?

Oh, Tobey MaGuire. What about the scenes with you dancing around acting all hip didn’t tell you that it would make you look like the biggest loser on the planet?

Oh, both of you. Why oh why does Peter cry 3 times!?! Didn’t you realize that with all the silly scenes surrounding his crying scenes, we the audience were left with no sense of Spider-man as a hero? He was no longer the complex character that we all know and love. He was a clown. A crybaby.

Also, why did Sandman just give up? There was no defeat of him at the end. Venom/Sandman just managed to kill Spider-man’s best friend Harry (again, that was a bad choice to begin with but to continue to completely bungle it was insane) and Sandman says “I never meant for it to happen” about Peter’s Uncle’s death and Peter says “I forgive you” and THAT’S IT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! And you expected me to stay for the scene with MJ singing after you did a full fade to black after such an excruciatingly horrible conclusion to the action of the movie? Give me a friggin’ break.

In any case, it was such a horrible film that it was mildly amusing throughout.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Jordan 5/5/2007, 1:39 pm

    I agree on all counts. I’ve got my fingers crossed that some fan will release an unauthorized re-edit of this movie a la The Phantom Edit. The action sequences were really fantastic and I think there is a good action movie in there, somewhere, just waiting to be edited together.

  • rednikki 5/5/2007, 7:13 pm

    To be fair, Green Goblin has a track record of putting aside his hatred of Spiderman for the greater good, and has since the ’80s.

    But – yeah. I’d been forewarned this sucked, and am not going to hand my hard-earned cash over. I saw Pathfinder, and that’s more than enough penance for one year.

  • whit 5/6/2007, 10:03 am

    Hey, if we’ve learned anything from Billy Joel it’s that you can dance and still look tough.

    Seriously, I never knew that being badass turned you into Richard Gere from Chicago. Double-time no less.

    I could have gotten around the silly. Silly as it was. I was even okay with the Sandman apologizing, but damn if the crying wasn’t annoying.

    The only person crying more was my wife.

  • Alex Rudloff 5/6/2007, 5:58 pm

    I’m sure I’m in the minority, but I liked it.

    Then again, I went in with the understanding that its a hollywood movie based on a comic book love story, and shouldn’t be taken for much more than that ;)

    What was crazy to me though, was not only did the black space goo make people aggressive, it also caused really horrible acting. That’s some bad juju right there.

  • John 5/8/2007, 5:14 pm

    I thought this film was absolutely horrible. I wrote an article about it trying to figure out everything that went wrong: http://www.debonairmag.com/the_death_of_spiderman.htm

  • Victor Agreda Jr 5/9/2007, 3:28 pm

    When they did the thing with Peter’s hair all i could think was Garth Brooks playing Chris Gaines (I was in Nashville when he did that crap, and oh boy…)

    Downhill from there, that’s for sure. Yeah, a fan edit would be nice. Take a little off the top. Kellye suggested Sandman was unneccessary, that we were hoping this would be a “dark” Spider-Man with a lot of Venom. Sadly, it was more of a pastiche than the other 2 combined.

    Hard for me to watch Kiki (Dunst) these days too, which didn’t help. Thanks Perez!

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