We went to see Spider-man 3 last night. This was worse than X-Men 3, it was a horrible horrible waste of 2 and a half hours of our lives, and I did something I never do: I walked out of this film before the very very end. I’ll tell you exactly why, but be forewarned: spoilers follow.
Oh, Sam Raimi. Why did you have to cram too many of your amusing little cut scenes in with the silly witty banter? Why did you have to make several scenes that were borderline musical numbers? Why? Why did you have to make this much more a prolonged episode of Friends, telling the twisted love story of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, than the wonderfully awesome action movie we were all expecting? Wasn’t the scene with Bruce Campbell as a French maitre-de exactly the perfect amount of silliness? Did you and the entire cast have a spat with the movie execs and decide to make this a horribly paced film as deliberate sabotage? Why in the name of all that is holy would you make Hobgoblin and Spider-man allies at the end?
Oh, Tobey MaGuire. What about the scenes with you dancing around acting all hip didn’t tell you that it would make you look like the biggest loser on the planet?
Oh, both of you. Why oh why does Peter cry 3 times!?! Didn’t you realize that with all the silly scenes surrounding his crying scenes, we the audience were left with no sense of Spider-man as a hero? He was no longer the complex character that we all know and love. He was a clown. A crybaby.
Also, why did Sandman just give up? There was no defeat of him at the end. Venom/Sandman just managed to kill Spider-man’s best friend Harry (again, that was a bad choice to begin with but to continue to completely bungle it was insane) and Sandman says “I never meant for it to happen” about Peter’s Uncle’s death and Peter says “I forgive you” and THAT’S IT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! And you expected me to stay for the scene with MJ singing after you did a full fade to black after such an excruciatingly horrible conclusion to the action of the movie? Give me a friggin’ break.
In any case, it was such a horrible film that it was mildly amusing throughout.