Writing a Dissertation is Difficult
I feel trapped by my dissertation right now. I’m not enjoying it at this point. Early on, I was enjoying it and feeling like it was going some where, but after revision after revision and repositioning after repositioning, I find myself now writing about something entirely different from what I had originally envisioned and I have no passion for it anymore. The only reason I want to work on my dissertation anymore is so that I can get it done and move on to being Dr. C.K.. There’s something wrong with that I think. I still want to teach. I still enjoy literature: reading it, discussing it, and writing about it. I enjoy being a student and learning new things. However, I am loathing my current place in the academic process. Much of this process feels antithetical to the processes I go through when I am doing all the things I just listed above.
When I read a book—it may sound romanticized—but when I read a really good book, I feel like I’ve learned something more about the soul of humanity, more about what this whole life thing is all about. When I write articles about literature, I feel like I am an explorer uncovering some secret in the text that we’ve all overlooked until now, and that feeling is exciting. When I am teaching, and teaching well, I feel the energy and knowledge clicking in the room. I can tell when the students get it and when they want to get it, and I can see the part I play in that process, and it makes me feel good about life and sure that I am meant to be an educator and that my chosen path is the right one for me.
Whenever I work on my dissertation now, though, I feel despair; I feel defeated, stunted, and un-energized; I feel like I should have remained in Art and done away with all this schooling years ago. When I look at everything else in my life, how joyous and blessed my life is in every other area, I feel like I should just quit and abandon this one energy-draining life goal.
What I need to do is figure out a way to ignore these thoughts and feelings, and just get it done.
Update: Kristin came home. I told her about this post, and she reminded me that I bought myself a copy of Worlds of Warcraft the other day, which she has hidden and I do not get until my proposal is approved. So, there’s one good reason to continue plugging onward…
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March 4th, 2005 at 5:04 pm
Literature should teach us something about the soul. That’s what separates literature from everyday writing. That’s whatn frustrates me about so much historicist and postmodernist criticism: we don’t read to learn about a differnt time or a differnt place–that’s what geography and history books are for–we read literature, be it fiction, poetry, or drama, to learn more about ourselves, about what it means to be a human being…and hopefully a better human being at that.
The problem here isn’t you.
March 4th, 2005 at 5:18 pm
They don’t call it academentia for nothing, buddy.
Seriously, though, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s obviously been years since my/our grad school days, and I don’t know the first thing about the pressures and rigors of PhD programs, but I do keenly remember seeing full-fledged sorrow in some of the ABDs I met. I knew after my first week of being a grad student that I had no interest in pursuing a PhD, and a lot of it stems from this palpable Thing you’re describing. So there’s that.
The good news, of course, is that if you truly love teaching, you’re always going to be able to find a gig doing what you’re doing in the classroom. I’m by no means encouraging you to quit your PhD program; I’m merely stating the obvious: the teaching opportunities will be there. I mean, hell, I’ve been teaching pretty non-stop since I finished my MA. What the fuck do I know, anyway?
March 6th, 2005 at 10:10 am
Thanks, guys. Many of the people in my life who want me to get this done, usually reply to these rants with a “just do it” reply without really hearing the complaint in it. They want to see me done and see how I’ve finished everything else I’ve done academically in the past without problem, so they (from the outside of academy / from the outside of Ph.D. land) are worried about my progress (or lack there of). They mean well, but “just do it” doesn’t help energize me to do it. These little bits of encouragement, however, do. Cheers.
September 12th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
It does suck. It sucks so so so much and I hate writing the damn thing.